DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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