last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
