Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
