So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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