Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Randomize
