Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
