Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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