If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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