note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
