i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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