It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
