seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
