My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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