He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
