Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
