I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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