Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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