He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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