I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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