My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
