So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
