I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
