Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
this hospital has no fireball
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
