If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
