I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
