Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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