so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
