Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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