I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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