She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
