I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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