Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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