if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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