They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
