He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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