he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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