I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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