when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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