oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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