Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
where does the pee come out of this thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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