I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
