just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
