Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
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I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
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