Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
