I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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