Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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