I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
