I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
