I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
