Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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