The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize