I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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