im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
