Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
