i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
