Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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