My nipple is on Facebook.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
