if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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