Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
